D BEST INSPIRED COACHING

Connected Communication

In most meeting spaces, we navigate hierarchy, power, credentials—who has the floor, who is most qualified. Compassion becomes constrained. What if respect were inherent: that we did not need to prove or produce to deserve it? This is seeing the spirit of humanity within each of us, and giving up the need to best one another.

CULTURE & ORGANIZATIONSRELATIONAL WELLBEINGPRACTICES & TOOLS

Deb Best

3/30/20264 min read

Communication, the art of communion: relationship, closeness, unity, connection and shared meaning. Yet somehow it is also our greatest source of misunderstanding. Why?

Perception is [my] reality

Our culture trends toward individualism. We view ourselves as separate, each striving to be understood. Our views become tied to self-worth. Being wrong feels like a threat (a trigger for failure). When even one person enters dialogue this way, communication - shared meaning - breaks down into conflict, withdrawal, unspoken dissent.

Yet there is another way.

Indigenous cultures offer a different lens: we are interconnected facets of a living system. What we see on the surface appears distinct, yet we share the same roots, rely on one another and collectively rely upon the land. Each of us is inherently worthy of respect and belonging.

In an individualistic worldview, respect is earned. Children historically ‘seen and not heard’ as they have yet to do anything of value, permeates to present day. In workplaces, the voice of employees is only partially heard and psychological safety continues to be unmet need.

Consider return-to-work policies that pit employees’ basic needs (time and cost of commuting and caregiving) against mandates framed as collaboration in offices that may not be safe for expression. When inclusion and connection are absent, collaboration becomes control. I’ve seen this echoed in media narratives that frame employees as selfish, while productivity on behalf of shareholders unquestioned.

Is it lonely at the top?

In discussion on operational effectiveness, a CFO repeatedly affirmed, “We don’t have time to consult with employees on our plan! We just need them to accept what I decide and make it happen.” This same person then quizzically opines upon why execution falls short, and people are uncomfortable with them.

These observations are not about pointing fingers of blame. It is seeing the situation strategically. Each person striving individually do their best under considerable pressure to deliver, often at the expense of connection to others, and wellbeing.

This is how we come to say “it’s lonely at the top.” Individualistic systems elevate and isolate leaders: cut off (or dismissive) from honest feedback, connection, and shared accountability.

As a senior leader once advised me, “You can’t have friends at work to be in your role.” Another CHRO once praised my interest in caring for people because “that attitude will get people engaged, and that leads to discretionary effort that we don’t need to pay for.” In this mindset, business is an end and the purpose, rather than a means to a higher purpose for which so many people are now calling for. Humanity.

Gallup’s engagement survey has a key question on having a ‘best friend’ at work. It receives the most resistance from workplaces as it is the most difficult item to address, precisely because our culture of individuality is incongruent with friendships at work. Yet this is exactly what people need to thrive.

Is connection at work an illusion?

People want to know their commitment won’t be erased overnight. They want trust, compassion, safety, and to be valued: not treated as disposable.

Sophisticated organizations adopt communication styles are tactically inspirational within legal defensibility. Care and compassion constrained at the risk of being responsible.

In a forum of senior people leaders recently, agreement converged upon, “We need to be carefully balanced to brand our message while not putting ourselves at risk at work” because being authentic is not safe in many workplaces.

[A counterpoint here is that some people show up ‘authentically’ as a jerk, so we want moderation. But that is mistaking a fear (flight) response with authenticity which only arises from security.]

It’s not lack of desire. It’s fear of reprisal.

But why would reprisal exist for true authenticity? As a CEO expressed to me with the adoption of new diversity and respectful workplace policy, “senior folks around here feel like they’re losing something.” I had to agree.

To a person of privilege, equality feels like a loss.

Privilege tells the self: “I am special.” It offers a sense of worth built on performance, reinforced from childhood through workplace systems that reward proving over being. At first this comes from parent to child to ‘motivate’ good grades and get a great job. To be of value, I must produce, prove and provide. Then it comes from our work and performance management. Keeping score.

When equality emerges, it can be felt as an imminent threat. The possibility that “I am longer special” is a shock to the inner world. The rebuttal can be strong – a fight for primacy – because others have “not earned it.” This is evident in recruitment practices that favour narrow criteria, resisting broader talent pools out of fear of competition. I recall an executive who only wanted graduates from a specific university, as “no one else would fit our culture.”

For some however, equality and the sting of privilege lost prompts compassion – a desire to share equally in safety and belonging.

The choice is ours

Do I want to make myself feel special by treating respect like a gift only I can dispense?
Do I believe respect is foundational, and feel a sense of solidarity with others as siblings in the extended family of humanity?

Principles for Connected Communication

These principles form the foundations of trust and respect.

1. Reciprocity

Frame communication as a partnership.
Establish preferred communication practices and agree shared styles.
Create collaborative decision-making practices.
Follow through on commitments.

2. Authenticity

Share intentions transparently and reasoning for perspectives openly.
Acknowledge inability to know-it-all thus strive to share in path forward together.
Model humility and vulnerability—including mistakes or shortcomings.

3. Equality

Invite affected people, regardless of position, education, etc.
Ensure each person can speak, without interruption, and each person limits their speech so as to not dominate the allotted time.

Practicing Connected Communication

Inclusion: Invite affected people to a (circular) table.
Conversational Equality: Ensure everyone has equal space to speak, if they choose.
Turn-Taking: Allow others to finish before responding or interrupting.
Paraphrase: Restate what the other person said to confirm understanding.
Gratitude: Thank others for their perspective before sharing own.

Corporate Connected Communication

Values individual and intergroup differences as inherent strengths, not deviations
Cultivates relational belonging through equitable, respectful communication
Cooperates with, and contributes to, its surrounding community in reciprocal ways
Responds to the needs of disadvantaged and historically marginalized groups with accountability and care
Collaborates with individuals, groups, and organizations across national and cultural boundaries
Engages in protecting the natural environment and enhancing sustainable and regenerative practices

Walk with me

D Best Inspired Coaching

In the spirit of respect and truth, I honour and acknowledge that I live and work within the traditional, ancestral and unceded territories of the xʷməθkʷəy̓əm (Musqueam), Sḵwx̱wú7mesh (Squamish), and səlilwətaɬ (Tsleil-Waututh) Nations.

Acknowledgement

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